Dr. Hartnell's Nutty the A.D.D. Squirrel
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  • Ch. 1: How'd We Get Here?
    • Ch. 1: Table of Contents
    • Ch. 1: Summary
    • Why study history?
    • Is history a lie?
    • Geography 101
    • Ancient History: Dirt-476
    • Collapse & Rebirth: 476-1650
    • Colonialism: 1400-1763
    • Revolutions: 1763-1918
    • America: 1775-1900
  • Ch. 2: America 2.0
    • Ch. 2: Table of Contents
    • Ch. 2: Summary
    • Imperialism: 1850-1914
    • Immigration: 1492-Now
    • Reform: 1877-1920
  • Ch. 3: Ka-Boom to Bust
    • Ch. 3: Table of Contents
    • Ch. 3: Summary
    • America: 1914-1939
  • Ch. 4: King America
    • Ch. 4: Table of Contents
    • Ch. 4: Summary
    • America: 1939-1960
  • Ch. 5: The American Overhaul
    • Ch. 5: Table of Contents
    • Ch. 5: Summary
    • America: 1960-1975
  • Ch. 6: The U.S. of Awesome
    • Ch. 6: Table of Contents
    • Ch. 6: Summary
    • America: 1975-Now
  • Nutty's Nuts
  • References
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Scramblin' thru... the Russian Revolution


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Worst. Version. EVER. [Click picture for a larger version and click the play button below to listen to the Soviet National Anthem.]

The Red Menace...

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If there's one thing Russians know how to do, it's throw a good revolution. Bolsheviks, in particular, know how to hit the "reset" button on society. They know how to shake down the establishment. They know how to get under the skin of capitalists (and FOX News anchors) everywhere. And while the fear of a Russian invasion is a thing of the past (I mean, did anyone see the remake of Red Dawn... North Koreans, really?), the history of 20th Century America is intertwined with the Soviets. They were the "yin" to our "yang". (Or were we the "yang" to their "yin"?) To quote Jerry Maguire, the Russians "complete" us.

The Russian Revolution (1917) introduced levels of violence to Europe unseen since the French Revolution (1789-1799). Made up of two individual uprisings by workers and peasants, it succeeded in overthrowing the Russian monarchy and creating the world's first Communist country. The goal of those who carried out the revolution was the creation of social equality and economic democracy in Russia. It was the crowning achievement in the "Haves vs. Have Nots" struggle. However, the Communist regime eventually turned into a dictatorship that paved the way for the Cold War between the U.S. and Soviet Union.

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U in? [Click picture for a larger version.]

What's Mine is Yours...
What's Yours is Mine...

This story begins, like all good stories, with the birth of an idea.

Communism.

While the word doesn't conjure up the same images of Soviet aggression and a world on the brink of nuclear destruction like it used to, it's still something most of us have heard used before (probably from grandparents that talk about "back in their day..."). And when it's used, it's almost always done so in a negative way (because that's how grandparents are wired).

Communism's goal was to overthrow capitalism with a workers' revolution and establish a system in which property is owned by the community instead of just individuals. Sounds good, doesn't it? Everybody wins that way. Of course, Communism looks amazing on paper. In theory, it creates a society without a class system where everyone enjoys equal social and economic status. In practice, however, it decimates your economy, beats down the very people it is supposed to protect, and leaves the country decades behind the rest of the civilized world. Buuuuuuut, other than that...


The idea of a society based on common ownership of property has been around for a long, long time. In the 4th Century BC, Greek philosopher Plato believed if a country could reduce inequality among its classes (upper, middle, and lower), then there would be peace. This "socialist" idea was woven throughout Plato's ideal republic where intellectuals (called guardians or philosopher-kings) governed and kept an eye on the greed of the workers. To make sure people swore allegiance to the country rather than themselves, the guardians weren't allowed to own any private property and had to live "among the people" by residing in barracks together and raising their kids as a group instead of in small families. This was Plato's dream. But, it remained just that – a dream. A really old dream.
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Greek wannabe socialists knew how to dress. [Click picture for a larger version.]
During the Age of Enlightenment, deep-thinkers like Immanuel Kant of Germany and Jean Jacques Rousseau of France furthered the socialist argument, stating that it is natural for humans to share political authority and the rewards of labor. The French Revolution, which overthrew the monarchy, grew from this concept and, in turn, gave birth to a lot of socialist ideas.

Later, a Frenchman named Louis Blanc said the only way workers could solve their problems was by way of revolution and by following his socialist "golden rule":
From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs. Blanc was influential in France's Revolution of 1848, which overthrew the re-established French monarchy. But, the idea was out there now, so much so that Communist reformers participated in several revolutions against other monarchies during the Revolutions of 1848. (None were successful, but they got everyone's attention.)
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Immanuel Kant. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Jean Jacques Rousseau. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Louis Blanc. [Click picture for a larger version.]

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While this is an oversimplification of socialism, it's still funny... [Click picture for a larger version.]

The Little Red Book

Communism grew out of the socialist movement of 19th Century Europe. At that time, Europe was undergoing rapid industrialization and social change. During the Industrial Revolution (a time period where people moved from relying solely on manual labor to harnessing machine labor), socialists blamed capitalism for creating a new class of poor factory workers who labored under harsh conditions. This widened the gap between the rich and poor.

Enter Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels.

The German philosopher Karl Marx and his associate Friedrich Engels were socialists who worked in cities throughout Europe as teachers, journalists, and activists. Like other socialists, they wanted to end capitalism and stop the exploitation of workers. Most reformers wanted peaceful transformations... but Marx and Engels weren't "most" reformers. They believed violent revolution was the way to go and called their theory "scientific socialism" or Communism. In 1847, Marx and Engels joined a group of working-class leaders in what was called the Communist League. The two were asked to write down their ideas for the league and did so in The Communist Manifesto (1848)... which began with an ominous opening: "A specter is haunting Europe – the specter of Communism." 
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Karl Marx had a great beard. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Friedrich Engels had a better beard. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Marx and Engels jumped in with both feet and ripped every reformer that came before them as weak and naïve. Marx and Engels urged the workers of the world to unite to achieve Communism. They teed off on the class struggle between the bourgeoisie (the capitalists that owned the factories) and the proletariat (the factory workers) in the age-old "Haves vs. Have Nots" battle. By using strikes, elections, and violence, the proletariat would overthrow the bourgeoisie as the ruling class.

In the same fashion as teenagers dreaming of revolting against their parents and taking control of the house, the real question became: after you overthrow those at the top, what happens next? 

Marx and Engels didn't really have an answer. They discussed that the working-class majority of the population would need to enact a temporary dictatorship in order to seize the property from those at the top and crush attempts to sabotage the new government.

That was the problem. This hypothetical "solution" sounds great in the back of your mind... until you try to make it work in the real world. In the real world, the temporary dictatorship doesn't give up control once it gets it. And that's exactly what happened in Russia.
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Eventually, Friedrich Engels and his phenomenal facial hair had to face the facts... he was always going to be the "Fitch" to Karl Marx's "Abercrombie"... the "Clark" to Marx's "Lewis"... the "Garfunkel" to Marx's "Simon"...

The Little Engine That Could

Marx and Engels expected the proletarian revolution to start in a highly developed Western country like Germany, France, Britain, or the U.S. In other words, Russia was the absolute LAST place on their list of countries that would provide the perfect soil for the seeds of revolution to take root. This was because Russia was transitioning from feudalism to capitalism. Its economy was based on farming (they had just abandoned using serfs in 1861) and its political system was a monarchy headed up by a Czar (also spelled Tsar). Czar Nicolas I crushed revolts in 1825 and 1830, choosing to rule by fear. This proved effective as the Revolutions of 1848 that engulfed Europe "skipped" Russia and allowed for the succession of Czars (from Nicolas I to his son Alexander II to his son Alexander III to his son Nicholas II) to proceed uninterrupted.

Russia's monarchy soon mastered the art of suppressing civil liberties and intellectual freedom. It made violating human rights and abusing religious and ethnic minorities living within the Russian border look easy. But, from the 1860s onward, several sizable revolutionary movements broke out that impressed even the scoffers of Marx and Engels. They watched with eager anticipation that maybe, just maybe, Russia had Communist potential after all. This "Little Engine that Could" just might be able to shock the world, and an uprising there might "sound the signal for a workers' revolution in the West."
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Ivan the Terrible ruled as the first Czar of Russia from 1547-1584. He is best remembered for transforming Russia from a weak Medieval country into an empire. Well, that and his random bursts of rage... but you can't rell he had anger issues from his portrait. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Translated from the top: We reign; We pray for you; We judge you; We guard you; We feed you; AND YOU WORK! [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Well said, Mr. Steinbeck. [Click picture for a larger version.]

The Revolution of 1905

In 1905, it appeared that a revolution just might happen in Russia. Russia was coming off of a butt-whooping by Japan in the Russo-Japanese War (1904-1905), a war fought due to Russian expansion in eastern Asia that interfered with Japanese plans for gaining a foothold on the Asian mainland. (Japan shut Russia's expansion down mighty quickly...) Middle and upper-class Russians wanted Russia to adopt a constitutional system of government where those in power were kept in check by a constitution. In January 1905 in Saint Petersburg (the capital of Russia at that time), a large (and peaceful) group of workers and their families marched to the Winter Palace to give Czar Nicholas II a petition asking for reforms. Instead, what they got were bullets. Thousands of them... fired by the Czar's troops. The death of anywhere from 1,000 and 4,000 (historians debate the numbers) was quickly dubbed "Bloody Sunday". Radical uproar, strikes, and insurgencies spread throughout the countryside, towns, and cities. To prevent his government from toppling, Czar Nicholas II agreed to expand civil liberties and create a national parliament made up of elected representatives (with very limited powers) called the Duma. It was in this period that workers established the first "Soviets" (democratic councils) in Saint Petersburg, Moscow, and other cities. The Czar's concessions led many opponents of the regime to believe that the government would evolve peacefully from an absolute monarchy into a constitutional monarchy.
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The Czar's troops line up and begin firing at the demonstrators. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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"Bloody Sunday" was a true massacre and puts what America parades around as the Boston "Massacre" to shame. [Click picture for a larger version.]
Disagreements about how best to "direct" the pending revolution resulted in the development of two political groups: the Bolsheviks (or "majority") and the Mensheviks (or "minority"). The Bolsheviks were led by Vladimir Ilich Lenin (and later Leon Trotsky) and favored a more centralized and disciplined party. The Mensheviks were loosely organized and included a less politically cohesive mixture of radicals and moderates. In other words, their ideas were all over the place. As you can tell by the names, more people opted to support the Bolsheviks.
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The great thing about political cartoons is that even without being able to read what is printed on the different flags, the viewer gets a pretty good idea of which side is supported in the drawing. [Click picture for a larger version.]

World War I

If "Bloody Sunday" was the fertilizer for the soil of revolution, World War I (1914-1918) was the water for the seeds. The eruption of World War I put Russia's working-class revolution on the back burner. Russia joined with Britain, France, and other nations to fight against the "new kid" Germany and its ally Austria-Hungary. In Russia, enthusiasm for the war was whipped up under patriotic slogans of saving the nation from foreign aggressors. Opponents of the war were denounced as traitors and hunted down. The pro-war patriotism swept up the Mensheviks, but Lenin's Bolsheviks saw through the government's veil of patriotism. In short, they saw it as a bunch of Bolshevik. (Ha! Get it?!) As a result, the Bolsheviks found themselves isolated and repressed. Just like a dog backed into a corner will rip off your face, a cornered Communist is a dangerous Communist.

World War I turned into a disaster for both the Russian people and the Czarist regime. Russian industry lacked the capacity to arm, equip, and supply the 15 million soldiers sent into combat. In the trenches, the soldiers went hungry and lacked shoes, supplies, and even weapons. Stories of Russian soldiers marching off with broom handles painted black so as to give the appearance of carrying a rifle became the norm. Russian casualties were greater than those sustained by any army in any previous war. (Not exactly what makes your Mom proud...) Goods became scarce, prices of just about everything (including bread) skyrocketed, and by 1917, famine threatened many cities. Morale of the army suffered as it became painfully obvious that Russia wasn't ready for this global throw down. Two good examples of Russian futility in World War I came with the Battles of Tannenberg and Masurian Lake.
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Hey, at least these soldiers actually got guns... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Battle of Tannenberg casualty report. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Battle of Masurian Lake casualty report. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Russia's losses in battle are starting to make more sense now... [Click picture for a larger version.]

The "February" Revolution

In February 1917, socialists organized mass protest rallies in Petrograd (formerly called Saint Petersburg). Since these protests took place on February 23rd, International Women's Day, rallying female workers demanded "Peace, Liberty... and Bread!" Soon 385,000 workers were on strike, and many fought the police in the streets. 

Troops were brought in, but they proved unable to quell the disturbances that engulfed the city over the next five days. In fact, the bulk of the soldiers, who were largely peasants in uniform, joined the insurgency. Consequently, a demand to break up the large estates of the nobles and distribute their land among landless peasants became a major revolutionary demand. The workers and soldiers organized a growing network of "Soviets" to coordinate their efforts and to establish control throughout the city.
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Get some.
On February 28th, the last of the troops loyal to the Czar surrendered to the mobs, revolutionary soldiers arrested the Czar's ministers, and Czar Nicholas II abdicated (stepped down). Nicholas wanted his brother to assume the throne, but when he declined (good choice), the revolutionaries created the Provisional Government under a new Prime Minister named Georgy Y. Lvov. 
 
The Provisional Government declared an end to Czarist repression and established full civil liberties. It also promised democratic elections for a Constituent Assembly, which would decide the future structure and policies of Russia's new government. At the same time, the new regime dodged the questions of land reform, relieving the workers' economic distress, and ending Russia's involvement in World War I. The transfer of power from the monarchy to the Provisional Government became known as the February Revolution.
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Taking down pictures of the Czar proves to be therapeutic for the angry mob. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Quick... what are they saying? [Click picture for a larger version... although it probably won't help you translate it...]

The "October" Revolution

Of special significance was the return of Vladimir Lenin to Petrograd in April 1917. Lenin had lived abroad, mainly in Switzerland, from 1900-1905 and again from 1907-1917. (He kind of "ducked out" at the end of major revolutionary attempts...) He was certain that consistent struggles for radical democracy in Russia would encourage workers and peasants to struggle for socialism. Lenin also believed that the devastation of World War I would inspire working people throughout the world to fight for socialism. He rallied the swelling ranks of Bolsheviks around slogans such as "Bread, Peace, Land!" (seriously, why do all their slogans include the word "bread"?) and "Down with the Provisional Government... All Power to the Soviets!" (not as catchy as his bread slogan). His Bolshevik party became increasingly attractive to large numbers of bitter and disillusioned young workers, soldiers, and sailors. By the end of May 1917, Leon Trotsky returned to Petrograd from a 10-year exile. It was time to get the band back together.
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Here's the gang during happier times... Stalin (left), Lenin (middle), and Trotsky (right). [Click picture for a larger version.]
In October, "Lenin, Trotsky & the Bolsheviks" (I'd go to that concert!) staged a nearly bloodless coup d'état against the Provisional Government. A coup (pronounced "koo") is a sudden seizure of power by a small group. This coup became known as the October Revolution (or the Bolshevik Revolution). The new "Soviet" government, run by Lenin, got the country out of World War I by negotiating the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk with Germany in early 1918. The treaty couldn't have come soon enough. Almost an entire generation of young men was lost. The combat death toll for Russia alone was 1.7 million. A staggering 55% of the soldiers mobilized by Russia became casualties. In addition to the human losses, the war cost Russia $22 billion.

In March 1918, the Bolsheviks renamed themselves the Russian Communist Party and transferred the capital to Moscow. In July, they established the new country of the Russian Soviet Federated Socialist Republic (RSFSR)... which is way easier than just going with "New Russia".
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The October Revolution... in November. [Click picture for a larger version. be sure to read the first "Did You Know?" fun fact at the top of the page to understand why the October Revolution happened in November.]
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Trust me... Dr. Hartnell has received this answer before. It was funny the first 6 times. [Click picture for a larger version.]

Pick a Color: Red or White?

Following the pattern of a true revolution, civil war soon erupted in the new Communist country as political infighting and bloody purges gripped Russia. The Bolsheviks/Communists, who had a militant socialist agenda, were called the "Reds". (They were called this due to the traditional color of left-wing banners.) They were opposed by the "Whites" which consisted of Mensheviks (who were still sore after losing out to the Bolsheviks) and members of Russia's big business and landowning class. The bi-polar nature of the "Whites" made things tough for them during the Russian Civil War (1918-1921).

During the Civil War, the Communists needed to build a powerful military in order to defend the new regime. Trotsky was put in charge of creating a Red Army and leading it to victory, which he did, but in hard-fought and brutal fashion. In August 1918, Lenin was badly wounded during an assassination attempt by a political opponent. His quick recovery contributed to the "cult" of Lenin as a "Christ-like" figure who could perform miracles. (Lenin = Jesus? Hmmmmm... I'm thinking "no"...)  In response, Lenin launched the "Red Terror", which targeted his political opponents and some of the civilian population. Lenin also introduced a series of economic policies in order to get the whole socialism ball rolling. As part of Lenin's program, which was dubbed "War Communism", the Soviet Government began seizing grain from the peasants in order to feed the Red Army and city workers. (That's more like the Communism we all know and love!) Factories were taken over by the government (nationalized), and workers were subject to strict discipline. Despite this, peasants supported the Communists because they worried that should the Whites win the Civil War, the country would revert back to being a monarchy. (Apparently, in their eyes, Communism was the "lesser of two evils".) In the end, the Whites were defeated by the Reds.
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Apparently there wasn't an age requirement to join the White Army... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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You know what, with Russia, this very easily could have been how it went down... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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I want him on my team... [Click picture for a larger version.]

Post-War Russia: S-O-S

The Russian Civil War caused wide-scale devastation, economic ruin, loss of life, and the emigration of an estimated 1-2 million middle and upper-class Russians. Anywhere from 7-8 million soldiers and civilians died during the conflict. In fact, from the outbreak of World War I until the end of the Russian Civil War, roughly 16 million people died in Russia.
 
To make matters worse, the Civil War dropped the standard of living for all Russians. A famine from 1921-1922 killed 5-6 million more lives. Without the assistance of the American Relief Administration and other foreign agencies, which created soup kitchens that fed 22 million people, who knows how many others would have died.
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You're welcome... [Click picture for a larger version.]

And Then There Was One...

The Soviet Government now had a major task ahead of it: rebuilding the country, getting the economy functioning, and repairing the relationship between the city and the countryside. (That's it? No biggie...) Hopes for rebuilding Soviet democracy, however, soon crumbled. The Communist Party was supposed to be a "working-class force" that would control the new government. Instead, the Russian Civil War militarized the Communists and turned it into an all-powerful and controlling body. (Raise your hand if you saw this coming...)

In December 1922, the Soviet Government declared the establishment of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (or U.S.S.R.). This uber-country consisted of Russia and neighboring areas that were under Russian military "protection". (It created the giant red blob on the map that Dr. Hartnell grew up with...)
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Yes, back in Dr. Hartnell's day, he didn't have as many countries to know... just big red ones. [Click map for a larger version.]
During that same year, and after suffering two strokes, Lenin understandably became preoccupied with how the new U.S.S.R. would be governed after he died. He regretted the path the Soviet Government had taken and blamed Joseph Stalin, who was General Secretary of the Communist Party, for steering them in the wrong direction. Stalin's aggressive behavior had brought him into conflict with the ailing Lenin. In March 1923, Lenin suffered a third stroke that took away his ability to speak. (I'm sure Stalin was bummed.) A fourth and fatal stroke occurred in January 1924.
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Dead Lenin...
Lenin's death ignited a bitter power struggle between Stalin and Trotsky. Ultimately, Stalin emerged as the supreme leader of the Communist Party and the U.S.S.R. Exiled in 1929, Trotsky moved from country-to-country promoting revolution. When his writings became noticeably anti-Stalin, Stalin decided to "silence" Trotsky. Following one assassination attempt in May 1940, Trotsky was murdered in Mexico in August by an ice-axe wielding Spanish-born agent working for the Soviet secret police.
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Dead Trotsky...

Paving the Way to Rocky IV

Stalin consolidated his dictatorship through the Great Purge. The Great Purge (or Great Terror) consisted of widespread arrests and executions from 1936-1938. It was masterminded by Stalin and carried out by the Soviet secret police, the NKVD (which came before the KGB, the notorious Soviet police force).
 
Stalin's aim was to empty out the ranks of the Communist Party and eliminate all opposition. Anywhere from 8-13 million civilians died and 10,000 Communist Party and Red Army leaders were killed. By late 1938, the terror achieved its purpose and was stopped.

Stalin had carried out a total renovation of the Communist Party by destroying the generation who had lived during the Russian Revolution and by bringing in people loyal to him. His rule was unchallenged.
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I'm guessing he wouldn't be a big fan of America's 1st and 2nd Amendments...
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An integral part of the Great Purge was the airbrushing of those who lost Stalin's favor. In this case, Sergei Kirov "disappeared".
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This can't end well... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Oh, Stalin... you're silly... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Sort of like when your Mom throws out some modern day slang words that instantly kills their "coolness", Stalin ruined Communism for everyone else. (Ex: "Gettin' Jiggy with It" was said by everyone for a week in 1998 until people over the age of 40 started using it...) Quite simply, Stalin made Communism evil. In so doing, he also perverted the perception of socialism. Such misnomers contributed to the ill feelings between the U.S.S.R. and the U.S. during the Cold War (1945-1991). Even the word "Soviet" became associated with the U.S.S.R.'s dictatorial regime. The leaders that came after Stalin's death in 1953 were never able to escape his shadow.
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Dead Stalin...
Ultimately, the Russian Revolution became the "French Revolution of the 20th Century" and Stalin's legacy of evil kept Communism from achieving Marx's original goal of creating a country without classes where everyone was socially and economically equal.

Even though the U.S.S.R. fell in 1991, its legacy was cemented into the fabric of American history during the 20th Century.
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People born after 1991 just don't get the Cold War... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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I miss Reagan and Gorby... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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And just like that, it was gone. [Click picture for a larger version.]

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Communism Pop Quiz #1!

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A Communist "Party" is happening in the picture below. Can you name those in attendance?

The answer is further down this page...
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[Click picture for a larger version.]

Communism Pop Quiz #2

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Pictured below is a set of the Russian matryoshka dolls (the ones that all fit inside the other). Can you name the dolls?

The answer is further down this page...
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[Click picture for a larger version.]

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Communism Pop Quiz #1 ANSWER!

From left to right:
Joseph Stalin, leader of the U.S.S.R. from 1924-1953;
Fidel Castro, leader of Cuba from 1961-2011;
Vladimir Lenin, leader of the U.S.S.R. from 1917-1924;
Mao Zedong, leader of China from 1945-1976;
Karl Marx, German philosopher.

Communism Pop Quiz #2 ANSWER!

From left to right: 
Boris Yeltsin (1991-1999); Mikhail Gorbachev (1985-1991; Leonid Brezhnev (1964-1982); Nikita Khrushchev (1955-1964); Joseph Stalin (1924-1953); Vladimir Lenin (1917-1924); Nicholas II (1894-1917); Catherine II "the Great" (1762-1796); Peter I "the Great" (1682-1725); Ivan IV "the Terrible" (1547-1584).
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The Julian calendar was used in most of Europe from 45 BC until 1582 when the Gregorian calendar replaced it. Of course, not every country opted to make the "switch" in 1582. Russia, for example, did not switch to the Gregorian calendar until January 31, 1918. After making the shift, this meant that the dates of every event that came before 1918 had to be recalculated. This is why Russia's February and October Revolutions in 1917 are named for when they occurred on the old (Julian) calendar. The February Revolution lasted from February 23-27, 1917 on the old calendar, which, after the update, meant it really took place from March 8-12, 1917 in the Gregorian calendar. The October Revolution ran its course from October 24-25, 1917 in the Julian (which was really November 7-8, 1917 in the Gregorian). The Julian calendar is still used by the Berbers, an indigenous group of people in North Africa. As such, the Julian calendar is currently 13 days behind the Gregorian calendar.
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The 1986 Garfield Wall Calendar. Yup, the calendar that kicked off Dr. Hartnell's "Garfield Years" from 1986-1990. Dr. Hartnell still has this calendar from when he was 8 and in the 2nd grade. Shoot, he even took it out of its plastic protector to snap a photo for all of you to enjoy. There was something special about selecting the "perfect" calendar for the upcoming year. Sort of set the tone for the next 12 months (unless you got one of the coveted 16-month calendars...). Some things are just too sentimental to throw away. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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1987 Garfield... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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1988 Garfield... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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1989 Garfield... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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1990 Garfield... the last of my Garfields. I made the switch in 1991 to "The Far Side"... perhaps a sign that I had moved on from my carefree days and into my more cynical ones... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Yakov Smirnoff was the original Borat long before Sacha Baron Cohen came along. Yakov was a comedian who emigrated to America from the Soviet Union in 1977. He became an American citizen in 1986 and used his word-play in comedy performances to show how different life was under the Communist regime with life in the U.S. He would often set up his jokes by saying something to the effect of: "In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, party finds you." Along with his catch phrase of "What a country!", Yakov's popularity soared during the 1980s. He was in TV shows, on commercials, and did stand-up across the country. Not bad for a Russian immigrant-turned-American citizen during the Cold War! What a country, indeed!
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[Click picture above to watch stand-up by Yakov.]
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[Click picture for a larger version.]
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In the last half of the 19th Century, the terms "socialism" and "Communism" were used interchangeably. Karl Marx and Frederic Engels put a stop to that with their Communist Manifesto in 1848. They saw socialism as the first step in the overhaul of a society. In Step #1, some of the industry and property was commonly owned but class differences remained. They reserved the term "Communism" for a final stage of society where class differences had disappeared, people lived in harmony, and government was no longer needed. In this idyllic condition, Marx and Engels wrote, abundance and social harmony would make it possible "for me to do one thing today and another
tomorrow, to hunt in the morning, fish in the afternoon, rear cattle in the evening, criticize after dinner, just as I have in mind, without ever becoming hunter, fisherman, shepherd, or critic."
The work people did out of economic necessity would give way to truly voluntary activity. (In the simplest of explanations, Communism is "
socialism on steroids".)
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You come across a lot of different "isms" when you start discussing economics. But never fear! Cowconomics will set you straight!
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Capitalism & Cows... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Socialism & Cows... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Communism & Cows... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Fascism & Cows... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Nazism & Cows... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Why are short people always so angry? Soviet leader Vladimir Lenin was only 5'5" tall. Leon Trotsky wasn't much taller, standing in at 5'8½". But this towered over the ruthless dictator Joseph Stalin, who was between 5'2" and 5'6" (with most historians settling on 5'4".) Stalin's successor, Nikita Khrushchev, who had Americans peeing down their legs during the Cold War, was, in actuality, only 5'3". Shoot, even history's favorite "midget", Napoleon Bonaparte, was taller than Lenin and Stalin and he was only 5'6½" (which was actually taller than the average height in his day). Another of the world's tyrants, Adolf Hitler, was only 5'9". 

What about today? Well, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the current ruler of Iran, is 5'2"... and evil as all get out. Kim Jong-Un, the dictator of North Korea who isn't a "big fan" of the U.S., is 5'5". And he took over for his father, Kim Jong-Il, who was 5'3"!

Of course, by comparison, President Abraham Lincoln was 6'4" (back when the average height for an American male was 5'7"). Our current President, Barack Obama, is 6'1". And, as Dr. Hartnell (who is 6'4") has noted, tall = better. Fact.
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Stalin poses for a picture with Harry Hopkins. Hopkins was President FDR's top official whose job was dealing with the Soviets during WWII. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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JFK (6'0") shakes the hand of Khrushchev (5'3"). And that's why we won the Cold War. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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And then there's North Korea's Kim Jong-Un. Go ahead, ladies, drink him in... all 5'5" of him. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Granted, at 7'1" tall, NBA superstar Shaquille O'Neal (a.k.a. "Shaq") makes anyone look tiny, including President George W. Bush, who was 6'0". [Click picture for a larger version.]
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What ever happened to Czar
Nicholas after he was forced to step down as Russia's monarch?

Nicholas, his wife Alexandra, and their five children were confined in the royal residence, the Alexander Palace. In April 1918, they were taken into the Ural Mountains. While the Russian Civil War raged, a decision was made to "off" the royal family. On the night of July 16, 1918, the Czar and his family, including several family servants, were machine-gunned and bayoneted to death in a basement. They had been lured to the basement under the false pretenses that a family picture was going to be taken. (Did people take a lot of pictures in the basement in Russia?) Their bodies were soaked with sulfuric acid and kerosene, burned, and buried in a shallow grave (that wasn't discovered until 1991). The killings were on the orders of Vladimir Lenin, who had embarked on a policy of mass killing in order to terrify and paralyze opposition to the Bolsheviks.

In the years following the execution, several people tried to claim that they had survived the assassination and were members of the royal Romanov family. The most famous was Anna Anderson, who claimed to be the Czar's daughter Anastasia. In the end, all were proven to be impostors, as the skeletal remains of the royal family have since been recovered and identified via DNA.
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The Romanovs, as pictured in 1913. From left to right: Olga, Maria, Nicholas II, Alexandra, Anastasia, Alexei, and Tatiana. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Leave it to Fox Animation Studies to muck up history (although Disney is the biggest contributor to misnomers about the past - need I mention 1995's "Pocahontas"?). In the 1997 animated fantasy "Anastasia", the main character (Anastasia) is portrayed as being the real Anastasia, even though the film was released after DNA tests proved that Anna Anderson was not Anastasia. As a result, the film is 100% pure fiction. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Grigori Rasputin (1869-1916) was a Russian zombie... or, at least, he was zombie-like. Don't know what Dr. Hartnell means? Read on...

Nicknamed the "Mad Monk", Rasputin was employed by Czar Nicholas II as a healer for his only son, Alexei, who suffered from hemophilia. (Hemophilia is a genetic disorder that hinders the body's ability to clot blood, which means people with hemophilia, if they're cut bad enough, can bleed out.) Alexei was the heir to the throne and because Rasputin was the only person that could stop the boy's bleeding, the Czar's wife, Alexandra, believed Rasputin was a holy man sent to protect Alexei. Over time, Rasputin became very close to Alexandra... and the other ladies of the court. Soon, a cult developed around Rasputin that practiced a mixture of Christianity and sexuality. Many of the noble women were believed to be in sexual relations with Rasputin (even though Rasputin was married), including Alexandra.

At the end of 1916, a group of aristocrats decided that Rasputin's influence had grown too great and they were, quite simply, tired of sharing their wives. In order to save Russia, they believed, Rasputin had to die. To accomplish this, they lured Rasputin to the palace of one of the princes where he was fed cakes and red wine laced with a large amount of cyanide. Rasputin was unaffected even though he had been given enough poison to kill FIVE men. This was because Rasputin practiced mithridatism, which is where you gradually build up an immunity to poison by giving yourself non-lethal and small doses over time. (As you can imagine, this is fairly risky, especially if you don't know the difference between a millimeter and a centimeter...) Since poisoning failed, they shot Rasputin through the back with a revolver. Rasputin appeared to drop dead, so the assassins left the palace for a while. When one of the assassins went back inside to get his coat, Rasputin
opened his eyes and lunged at him. At that moment, however, the others arrived
and fired at Rasputin. After being hit three times in the back, he fell once more. This is where killing Rasputin became like the ending to every scary movie ever made. As they neared his body, they found that he was still alive. So, they clubbed him until he stopped moving. Some accounts say that his killers also severed his penis. This resulted in legends and claims that a Rasputin cult was in possession of the organ. (Today, a Russian museum claims to have paid $8,000 for it and has it on display.) Whatever the case, they bound Rasputin's body and wrapped him in a carpet. (This had to look like every generic cartoon version of a Mafia hit.) Then they chucked him into the frozen Neva River. To their horror, Rasputin broke out of his bonds and the carpet... but drowned. Three days later, Rasputin's body was recovered from the river. An autopsy confirmed that the cause of his death was drowning... not the poisoning, the four bullet wounds, the beating, or the castration.

Saddened by the death of her friend/lover, Alexandra buried Rasputin's body in the grounds of the family's property. But, after the February Revolution, a group of workers uncovered the remains, carried them into the nearby woods, and burned them. As the body was being burned, Rasputin appeared to sit up in the fire, horrifying witnesses. (While it would be totally sweet if Rasputin went all "Walking Dead" on them, his movement can be
attributed to a poorly done cremation job. Since the body was in inexperienced hands, the tendons were probably not cut before burning. Consequently, when the body was heated, the tendons shrank, forcing the legs to bend and the body to bend at the waist, resulting in it looking like he sat up. Has anyone ever seen Weekend at Bernie's?) 
 
This fueled the legends and mysteries surrounding Rasputin, which continued to live on long after his death. The official report of his autopsy disappeared
during the reign of Joseph Stalin... as did research assistants who claimed to have seen it. Stalin helped close the book on the 
Rasputin zombie in classic Stalin-fashion.
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The International Russian Sex Symbol... Rasputin! [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Bingo. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Look deep into Rasputin's eyes... No wait. Don't. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Rasputin was doing the "I'm-not-really-dead" Jason Voorhees thing long before Friday the 13th... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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The famous Soviet flag [pictured above] that depicts the hammer and sickle intertwined beneath a yellow star outline on a red flag originates from the unique Russian unity of
the peasants (the sickle) with the workers (the hammer), who together formed the new Soviet country. The red field represented the blood that was spilled by workers around the world in the fight for their emancipation. The single yellow star was both the representation of life and the immense energy of the sun. It was empty because within it was the blood or production of the workers' struggle, which doesn't show up when placed on a red background. The star had five points to symbolize the single unity and international representation of the government (each of the five points was representative of the five
known/recognized continents at that time).

Contrary to popular belief, this Soviet flag was not
created during the Russian Revolution. Instead, it was adopted in 1923. However, the hammer and sickle icons were frequently used by the Bolsheviks in 1917.
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The Soviets were the first to reach Berlin in the closing days of WWII. Here, a Russian soldier flies the Soviet flag. Hey, good luck with that, Germany! You went from Hitler to Stalin. Lemme know how that pans out for ya... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Animal Farm (1945) is a book written by British author George Orwell. One of Orwell's most popular works, Animal Farm tells the story of a group of farm animals that rebel against their human owners and attempt to form an equal society. The themes of the book, as well as its animal characters, are based on the Russian Revolution.
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In this story, the pig doesn't go "Oink"... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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What if Superman, the most iconic American superhero, was Communist and fought against the U.S.?

In 2003, Mark Millar decided to answer this question in his comic book mini-series,
Superman: Red Son. The Superman we know and love landed in Smallville, Kansas where he was raised by Jonathan and Martha Kent (hence his alter ego's name Clark Kent). They nurtured him and taught him the values that he holds true his entire life. But what if he didn't land in America? What if his spaceship veered off course? It's the ultimate superhero tale of nature vs. nurture. What if he landed in the U.S.S.R. during the Cold War? 

In Red Son, Superman's
rocket ship lands on a Ukrainian farm rather than in Kansas. This happens because Earth's rotation spins the Ukraine in the ship's path instead of
Kansas. Instead of fighting for "T
ruth, justice, and the American Way", Superman is described in Soviet radio broadcasts as the "Champion of the common worker who fights a never-ending battle for Stalin and 
socialism!"
Instead of
being named Clark Kent like he was by his American parents, Communist Superman's "secret identity" remains a state secret. Without giving away how the series ends (it takes place from 1953-2001), the story begins when the Soviet Union unveils its newest weapon: Superman. This causes massive panic in the U.S., transforming the nuclear arms race into a "superbeing" race. Ironically, Lex Luthor is called upon by the U.S. to destroy Superman. The story spins quite a delicious web from there and later includes Wonder Woman (who hooks up with Commie Superman) and Batman (who tries to kill Commie Superman but screws up and commits suicide). Dr. Hartnell suggests snagging a copy of
Superman: Red Son to find out how history is dramatically altered.

Sidenote... any coincidence that Joseph Stalin's last name translates to "Man of Steel"? Weeeeird. (Granted, Stalin's birth name was Iosif
Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili. Yea, I know. His name looks like I just punched a keyboard.)
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Superman logo. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Superman Red Son logo. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Cover art from "Superman: Red Son". [Click picture for a larger version.]
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A page from "Superman: Red Son" - notice Stalin's picture in the background. [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Without the Russians, Americans would have been deprived of two of our greatest heros: James Bond and Rocky Balboa. In the early days of the 007 franchise, Mr. Bonds was always thwarting Communist spies and nuclear plans. Classic stuff, really. And then there's the intense showdown between the American boxer Rocky and the Soviet boxer Drago in Rocky IV. Yes, without the Russians, where would all our bad guys go?  
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[Click picture above to watch the trailer from 1963's "From Russia with Love".]
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[Click picture above to see if Rocky can single-handedly end the Cold War.]
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On January 31, 1990, the first McDonald's opened in Moscow. Any coincidence that Communism and the Soviet Union would collapse almost two years later? "The Golden Arches Theory of Conflict Prevention" (a.k.a. "The Big Mac Peace Theory" or "The McDonald's Peace Theory") suggests otherwise. Click here to read more.
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Even Communist dictators enjoy the Golden Arches... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Can you Super Size these? [Click picure for a larger version.]
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Dr. Hartnell 100% knows he would be stuck behind that guy... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Get it? Dr. Hartnell could go on all day with Russian McDonald's jokes... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Today, Russia (a.k.a. the Russian Federation) is a constitutional republic. The current President is Vladimir Putin.  In Russia, the central government is composed of three independent branches: the Executive (made up of a President and a Prime Minister), the Legislative (made up of the Federal Assembly), and the Judicial. The government is responsible to the President, and the Executive Branch is more powerful than the other two branches.

Communism and the Soviet Union fell on December 25, 1991. Boris Yeltsin served as Russia's 1st President from 1991-1999. Vladimir Putin served as the 2nd from 2000-2008. Dmitry Medvedev served from 2000-2012 before Putin was elected again in 2012. (There's no 22nd Amendment in Russia!)
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You will love President Vlad... You will love President Vlad... You will love President Vlad... [Click picture for a larger version.]
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Who's Who of the Russian Revolution?

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Friedrich Engels. [Click picture for a larger version.]

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Vladimir Lenin. [Click picture for a larger version.]

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Georgy Lvov. [Click picture for a larger version.]

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Karl Marx. [Click picture for a larger version.]

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Czar Nicholas II. [Click picture for a larger version.]

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Grigori Rasputin. [Click picture for a larger version.]

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Joseph Stalin. [Click picture for a larger version.]

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Leon Trotsky. [Click picture for a larger version.]

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